The Entire History of America, Terrorism, and Jesus (Skipping all the wars, except the civil one)

Some of my less informed friends on Facebook, don't understand the rich tradition established by Christopher Columbus! Luckily I'm brilliant, and don't mind dumbing it down for them, I'm pretty sure all of this is 100% accurate. If not, go fuck yourself... AMERICA!

510 years ago Jesus told Christopher Columbus about this awesome place he was thinking about discovering called America, but Jesus was too busy dying on a cross to take a long boat trip.

So Chris Columbus was like "I got it bro."

On the way he discovered some terrorists (Indians [Native American's]), and he was like "no way I'm letting this shit stand!"

So he had his friends (Patriots) rape/kill/give smallpox to the terrorists, because FREEDOM? 

Anyway then some other stuff happened, then Thomas Jefferson wrote a paper about being an American, and told the King of England to go fuck himself.

The King was like "Me? Fuck myself? No way bro! I'm a terrorist too!”

And like EVERY time American has gone up against a terrorist, we won immediately,  and England was like, our bad bro, AMERICA!

So back in America, people were really liking Thomas Jefferson’s paper, and they were like man, let’s vaguely interpret this and make it the law of the land! And Jefferson was like “Fucking perfect!”

America was a perfect place, and then one day some blacks were like “HEY, whens we gon’ be free” and half of America was like, how about right now, and the other half was like “I’ll die before that shit happens! I ain’t gunna work for myself, that’s why Jesus invented blacks!”

Jesus (who was dead) was all like “I’m going to stay out of this, but then retroactively back whichever side wins, FREEDOM”

Anyways, the American north, fought the American south, over blacks. And won. Then the south (mostly) was like “We were dicks back there, sorry, how about we hire the blacks and pay them less than a living wage?”

And the north was like “Perfect! This won’t backfire in 100 years!”

Oh but it did, in the 1960’s some blacks were like, “Hey, we want to be equal people!” and some whites were like that makes sense, but others were like, “Fuck that, who will work my farm?”

Then we accidentally killed Martin Luther King and JFK, and Lyndon Johnson was like, “Fine, blacks and whites are equal!”

But people in the south were like “Who is going to work our farms and do other jobs we don’t want to do?”

So Jesus, still dead, called his dad, and they had a meeting, and they decided to invent... MEXICANS! You see, Mexican’s would do the work blacks used to do for free, for pennies on the dollar! And we didn’t have to let them vote, or give them health insurance, or nothin’ because... FREEDOM!

From then until the 1980’s when Jesus came back for 8 years under the secret name “Ronald Reagan” and got America back on track, you see minorities were getting all uppity and shit, so Reagan and his crack team of scientist figured out 3 simple ways, to put minorities back in their place because of... AMERICA?

So the Reagan scientist, invited Crack cocaine, and AIDS, and distributed them freely to any minorities who wanted them. THEN the Reagan economics team invented Reaganomics, which pretty much dictated that poor people would have infinite downward and lateral mobility, but none of that pesky “upward mobility” because... ‘MERICA!

So after Jesus left us (1988) we got the first president George Bush. He did some stuff, but wasn’t nearly as good at presidenting, as nuJesus was, so America, accidentally elected a dumb hick from Arkansas to be president.

This dumb hick (President Clinton) largely reversed the policies of nuJesus, and America was at risk of falling prey to a minority uprising (and by uprising, I mean them being fully equal and in no way disenfranchised [the very antithesis of our foundation]) so to overcorrect this, we elected (twice) George Bush’s autistic son.

George Jr. was largely seen as a return to the mediocrity established by his father, he even got us into two wars with muslim nations because... FREEDOM!

So the rich people (patriots) got richer under Jr, and the poor people kept getting poorer/dying in a flood. Poor people being the reactionaries they are, accidentally elected a black muslim (DOUBLE TERRORIST?!) thinking that his double terrorist status canceled out and meant he wasn’t a terrorist. OOOOPS!

Not to worry, Mitt Romney, who has the luxury of not even remembering either president  Bush, has come to save America, and return us to our roots, the same roots that made it hard for blacks to vote, where gay sex and abortion were the same thing, and where you could justify any fringe conspiracy theory by the selective reading of the bible! Because you know... FREEDOM

Anyways, the choice this November couldn’t be more clear, vote for the the guy who belives in the bible above all, whose religion was founded by a glorified snake oil salesman, and has an elevator in one of his houses for cars. Or the negro terrorist. Godspeed fellow Americans! Also... FREEDOM!

Presidential debates.

So my posts haven't been showing up... That's frustrating.

Here is my notes from the presidential debate. Why did I take notes? No idea, most of theses ended up as tweets on @BrandonComedy

7:58 I think I’m going to do my blog post this week in this format.

7:58 I’m watching the presidential debates on MSNBC, because I’m a filthy liberal.

7:59 Nice stage, I would love to do stand up on that stage.

7:59 as Maddow says the audience isn’t expected to cheer, the audience is heard cheering.

8:00 debate isn’t on. I immediately want ice cream.

8:00 Chris Matthews is pretty unlikable, I’m going to get ice cream.

8:02 Jim Leherer, whenever I saw him as a kid, I knew it was time to go to bed,

8:04 Both candidates are wearing the same suit. Neither came out to theme music. I’m calling bullshit.

8:05 Obama spends a minute giving shout outs.

8:08 Mitt Romney’s make up isn’t doing him any favors.

8:10 I’m guessing there won’t be any ad hominem personal attacks tonight.

8:13 Obama is resisting calling Mitt names, I dislike this quality in him.

8:16 I forgot how boring these are. Debates should be held at the Apollo.

8:18 Obama keeps bringing up facts, I bet Mitt hates that.

8:20 SUCK IT DONALD TRUMP


8:24 Mitt getting snippy about rules!

8:27 Jim has lost control.

8:28 Romney just alluded to firing Jim Lehrer, zinger!

8:31 “I have my own plan”

8:32 Mitt is raising his voice.

8:35 Obama keeps using those pesky facts!

8:38 Mitt Romney has referenced a friend, I’m calling lies.

8:39 Jim Lehrer should just leave. Seriously is he helping anything?

8:43 here comes a zinger?

8:44 Nope, just misdirection and distortion of facts.

8:46 Romney killed Obama’s grandmother

8:51 Jim Lehrer just said “fuck it”

8:57 I haven’t wrote stuff in a while.

9:04 There is no way both sides aren't completely convinced they are winning right now.

9:16 I got Ice Cream, did I miss anything? No? Perfect!

9:33 This is the most Jim Lehrer said all night.

Conclusion: Every candidate met a **** over in **** who **** because she was so inspired by ****, even though **** would deny them the chance because they were too old/a woman/poor/A dog.

Great specials

There are about 10 million comedy specials out, some of them phenomenal, most of them passable. Here are a few great and diverse specials you need to check out (in no order).

 

Dane Cook, Vicious Circle: Say what you want about Dane, I know I have, but Vicious is an insanely good special. Yes it is done in the typical Dane over the top loud style, but the fact the he retains command of such an enormous crowd makes this a special to watch. Playing shows in the round is hard (I hear), at all times your back is to half of the crowd, but Dane manages to not only make it work, but to KILL in this situation.

See also: ISolated INcident: Dane in awesome form, doing a quieter set. Still has the same Dane mannerisms, but it is a more traditional stand up set, and it is insanely personal.

Eddie Murphy, Raw: Eddie dominated comedy in the 1980’s. So much so that after 25 years of not performing people still beg to see him take the stage. This is a fun special to watch. Eddie is young and confident, but remains in total control the entire time he is on stage. I especially like how he floats seamlessly from raunchy stand up, to fun character pieces. I especially love showing this special to people who have never seen Eddie do comedy, because there’s almost no way to predict how raunchy it gets. There is a cringeworthy bit about homosexuality, that doesn’t hold up in 2012, but the moment passes and hilarity follows, keep in mind the guy on stage yelling faggot is wearing purple leather.

See Also: Delirious. Eddie’s first special, also really good, I just feel like the Raw material was more refined.

Bill Cosby, Himself: Bill Cosby is a great story teller. And in this special he flows magically from one tale to another. Bill Cosby makes comedy look effortless. He controls the crowd in a way that tricks the viewer into thinking “I could do this” Bur therein lies the trap. There is only one Bill Cosby, and this is him at his best.

Bill Burr, Why Do I Do This?: I love the angry white comic. It is just a really interesting persona to watch, and Bill Burr is the best at it. His rants on race, women, sports,  whatever. Burr is just scathing in his critiques and more often than not you’ll think “Man that’s kind of fucked up,” followed immediately by “But he isn’t wrong.” Burr might be the least famous on this list, but that’s only because America has some hang up about comics that are super honest speaking freely.

Patrice O'Neal, Elephant in the Room: Every open mike comic says some variation of "I say the things that everyone else is afraid to say" most of them are full of shit. Patrice is one of the few comics I can think of that can make an audience have a hard belly laugh, followed immediately by uncomfortable silence. Patrice's style is super conversational, and it feels like you are just having a conversation with a hilarious friend, who makes better points than you do.

Chris Rock, Kill the Messenger: This special almost ruined comedy for me before I started. Before I started doing comedy, I thought that comedy was something that you made up freely every night (spoiler alert, it isn't!). This special is unique in that is very obviously made up of 3 different shows. I like this special because it shows the minute changes you have to make to get your material to go over in different regions. So while it initially made me want to quit comedy, it later helped make me a better comedian.

If you get a chance to watch the special edition, the New York show is by far the best. Followed distantly by South Africa. You can skip London.

The Kings of Comedy: Say what you want about the material, but this is the most FUN comedy special I’ve ever seen. Sure it isn’t always the most original material, but look at the audience. From start to go the audience isn’t just laughing, they are actively having FUN. I defy you to find a comedy show where the audience enjoys themselves as much as they do here.

Gays don't choose to be gay, you can choose to not pick on them.

I wrote this last week for OKC.net, now it's even more timely so I am posting the full unedited version here:

“Hey, I know you” a girl says as I walk to class.

“Oh yeah?” I say startled.

“Yeah, your Brandon Patrick, the face of women’s rights in Oklahoma!” she proclaimed, proudly.

“I’m not sure that’s true, or possible” I retort.

“Yep you are, I saw you speak at the capitol! You are the face of women’s rights!” She insists.

“Oh, I guess so” I say, giving in.

People think things. And sometimes, despite evidence to the contrary, they will still think things. It is insane to insist, or even believe that I, a black male, am the voice of women’s rights. I am a comedian, and my act isn’t even necessarily “pro-woman” all the time. But because I took a gig that a lot of people saw, at least in the minds of those people that’s who I am, a woman’s rights activist.

I’m not smart or anything, but from what I gather people tend to not shake first impressions. So when as a kid, your dad tells you that being gay is a choice, and as far as choices go it is a wrong one. I’m not gay, but friends of mine are, and from what I gather it wasn’t a choice they made one day, it was something they lived with and have had to battle with as they grow up in a society that doesn’t understand or accept them, think X-Men but instead of awesome powers, they are great wing men and can help you match suit separates! 

Lately the GOP has been attacking both women and gays. Gays get it tougher, because NO ONE can debate that being a woman isn’t something you are born with. But it super easy to dismiss gay as an abhorrent lifestyle choice, something that people are doing to attack the sanctity of marriage. It is easy to pick on gays, stereotypically they are effeminate and weak, and they aren’t a majority. 

ALSO GOD HATES THEM, He said it in Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." So pretty cut and dry, open and shut case right? It’s in the bible and we are a Christian nation (despite that pesky first amendment) but what else does leviticus say? Can we openly hate Mexican’s too?! Nope, but you can commit murder-suicide if the man cheats (20:10), this is compounded if you sleep with your wife and her mom, you are all to be burnt to death (20:14), If you curse God the community gets to stone you to death (24:14-16) and of course if you sleep with a woman on her period, you are to both be cut off from your people, which I think means all humans (20:18). Okay, but aside from that, Christianity is a peaceful religion (IGNORE DEUTERONOMY 17:2-7 AT ALL COSTS)and is inherent in mankind, remember being born and talking about Jesus and shit? Meee too! So why do we persecute homosexuals? Because it’s different. They have sex differently, and may have created AIDS on an airplane! 

We persecute gays because it is easy. The way society is set up is even the lowest most uneducated person wants to look at someone and say “well I know that my shit is messed up, but THESE people are doing something terrible,” now typically we would just lump that on blacks, hispanics, or traditional scapegoat the Jews! But since slavery and subsequent segregation put a black eye on OPEN racial hatred we needed another group to treat sub-humanly and make our lowest common denominator feel good about himself. Enter the gays.

Clearly as a rational person we get that the gays aren’t out to kill marriage, and are just people who want to be treated like people. As rational human beings I think maybe we should stand a little more firmly in support of gays, they are in the corner of the rational person more often than not. Gays are people, we should love people, and focus on important issues, not what happens in someones bedroom behind a closed door.

Let’s just love each other, even if we don’t always understand each other*.

*Except the Kardashian’s seriously, how are they still a thing.

Turns out we have to have 28 blog posts for this class

So this is number 28.

I graduate at the end of summer

Then I move to *******, more on that later...

Lingo

Comedy, like every other esoteric occupation has its own language. Fortunately for you, that language is based in english! But in discussing comedy I noticed I have slipped in some of this lingo. Now we both know YOU are smart and able to use context clues, but the person next to you... ugh.