Arrogance

BY THEIR VERY NATURE, COMEDIANS ARE EGOTISTICAL.
 Read that again, it’s important. Anytime someone enters a profession where their entire sense of validation comes from the fleeting thoughts of strangers, ego is involved. And where egos get involved, egos get bruised. No one would do comedy if they thought they weren’t funny. So by virtue of BEING a comedian, you are saying the thoughts in your head are both original thoughts and funnier than the thoughts that the average person has. This is a weird conceit, but one that comedians seem to be okay with making, at least tacitly.

Comedians are also the least humble people you can meet. No matter how low-key a comedian is, in reality he can’t wait to tell you which comedian (that you probably haven’t heard of) he/she is opening for, or which comedians they have in their cell phones, or about some deal they almost got but the exec at Comedy Central got put in the hospital the next day. 

Here is a fun way to see just how self involved a comedian is. If you ever get to MC a show* read a comedian’s credits wrong. The size of the meltdown or passive aggressive stance the first few jokes take will let you know how much it really fucked with them. 

Comedians have all sorts of barometers they use to figure out if they are successful (are people laughing, can I use this credit no matter how nebulous, are people giving me drugs for free) - all of which speak to a deeper sense of entitlement. To keep myself grounded I apply a few rules to every situation.

1. No one owes you stage time 

 2. No one who is unfunny will continually work.

 3. If you should be doing XYZ, you will - if you shouldn’t, you won’t.

Number 1 bites me in the ass the most. Every time a comedian I like comes to town and I am not called to open for him, my ego gets bruised a little. And then depending on who the announced openers are, sometimes my ego gets bruised a lot. But then I apply number 2 - I might not think this person is funny, but I don’t matter. The people booking the shows have faith in this person, and if the person doesn’t get laughs, then they won’t be considered for future shows (theoretically bumping me up!).

When I see guys huffing and puffing about not getting to sign up for the open mic, or continually drawing a no**, I can’t help but get a little tickled. The owner of the club certainly doesn’t owe you anything; the fact that you come in with 3 people on the lowest selling night of the week does not mean that you have entered into some agreement in which you are OWED stage time. Honestly the only situation in which you are owed time is if you run the room, and I don’t mean, “the usual MC is gone and you are taking over this week.” If you STARTED a room, and built rapport with managers, and cultivated a show, you absolutely deserve to do time on THAT stage.

Comedians who do every open mic feel superior to comics who pick and choose, justifying it as: “I get more stage time because I care about the craft!” This logic sounds like it makes a lot of sense until you apply ANY scrutiny to it. Doing every open mic, because you “appreciate the craft” is like driving on every street to learn how to drive, sure it might help, but you are also going to drive yourself nuts doing it***. Comics pride themselves on being able to say they do every open mic, even shitty bar open mics. But the reality of the sitution is not every open mic is helpful some just plain suck (be it poor crowds, poor hosts, awkward venues, too many comics, whatever the issue) all that matters is that when you get up you take it seriously and perform your best. The guys who swear by doing every shitty open mic are the guys who will still be doing every shitty open mic 5 years from now. 

Comics can’t really take criticism, I found that out the hard way when a friend asked me why he wasn’t getting work. Once I explained it to him, instead of sitting down and processing any of the information he had just recieved he went on the defensive and told me every reason why I was wrong, and then tried to attack my credentials. 

I get accused of being arrogant a lot because I do skip out on a lot of open mics. I skip open mics for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I know which ones won’t help, which ones will, which ones are just good for hanging out with comics, and which ones will honestly make me a worse comedian. I probably also get accused of being arrogant because I tend to keep to myself after I perform. Sure, some guy might say “Hey great job up there”, but to me it sounds like “You are usually funnier, kill yourself.” My issue. Do I say things like “I am too good for open mics,” probably. Do I mean them? BY VIRTUE OF ME BEING AT AN OPEN MIC MAKING THIS STATEMENT, IT IS PATENTLY FALSE. That said, I think I am really funny, and other people do too. That is I why I get booked, and that is why every headliner I have worked with [except that asshole] would work with me again. 

I can be confident in my abilities because when it counts I come through!**** At 6 months I had twenty minutes that were strong enough to convince the owner of my home club to book me. That might not mean a lot to most people, but I was the first in my “class” to do it. Also, there’s only been ONE week, where I wasn’t 100% and I still got booked when I got back. I am not arrogant because I think I am better than most comics, I am confident because I KNOW I am in the top 5 locally and won’t accept anything less for myself. I am harder on myself than any one can ever be, but when I do well you’re damn right I am going to celebrate. 

*If you aren’t MCing shows, work harder. 

**Full disclosure: I hate drawing a no and not going up, but I realize it happens and see past it.

*** Do as many open mics as you feel comfortable doing, but skip ones that damage your confidence or don’t help you progress. Your sanity will thank you.

**** Minus the Tulsa contest, both OKC contests, and the CD/DVD show (that last one wasn’t entirely my fault. But I will go into that later)