Some of my less informed friends on Facebook, don't understand the rich tradition established by Christopher Columbus! Luckily I'm brilliant, and don't mind dumbing it down for them, I'm pretty sure all of this is 100% accurate. If not, go fuck yourself... AMERICA!
510 years ago Jesus told Christopher Columbus about this awesome place he was thinking about discovering called America, but Jesus was too busy dying on a cross to take a long boat trip.
So Chris Columbus was like "I got it bro."
On the way he discovered some terrorists (Indians [Native American's]), and he was like "no way I'm letting this shit stand!"
So he had his friends (Patriots) rape/kill/give smallpox to the terrorists, because FREEDOM?
Anyway then some other stuff happened, then Thomas Jefferson wrote a paper about being an American, and told the King of England to go fuck himself.
The King was like "Me? Fuck myself? No way bro! I'm a terrorist too!”
And like EVERY time American has gone up against a terrorist, we won immediately, and England was like, our bad bro, AMERICA!
So back in America, people were really liking Thomas Jefferson’s paper, and they were like man, let’s vaguely interpret this and make it the law of the land! And Jefferson was like “Fucking perfect!”
America was a perfect place, and then one day some blacks were like “HEY, whens we gon’ be free” and half of America was like, how about right now, and the other half was like “I’ll die before that shit happens! I ain’t gunna work for myself, that’s why Jesus invented blacks!”
Jesus (who was dead) was all like “I’m going to stay out of this, but then retroactively back whichever side wins, FREEDOM”
Anyways, the American north, fought the American south, over blacks. And won. Then the south (mostly) was like “We were dicks back there, sorry, how about we hire the blacks and pay them less than a living wage?”
And the north was like “Perfect! This won’t backfire in 100 years!”
Oh but it did, in the 1960’s some blacks were like, “Hey, we want to be equal people!” and some whites were like that makes sense, but others were like, “Fuck that, who will work my farm?”
Then we accidentally killed Martin Luther King and JFK, and Lyndon Johnson was like, “Fine, blacks and whites are equal!”
But people in the south were like “Who is going to work our farms and do other jobs we don’t want to do?”
So Jesus, still dead, called his dad, and they had a meeting, and they decided to invent... MEXICANS! You see, Mexican’s would do the work blacks used to do for free, for pennies on the dollar! And we didn’t have to let them vote, or give them health insurance, or nothin’ because... FREEDOM!
From then until the 1980’s when Jesus came back for 8 years under the secret name “Ronald Reagan” and got America back on track, you see minorities were getting all uppity and shit, so Reagan and his crack team of scientist figured out 3 simple ways, to put minorities back in their place because of... AMERICA?
So the Reagan scientist, invited Crack cocaine, and AIDS, and distributed them freely to any minorities who wanted them. THEN the Reagan economics team invented Reaganomics, which pretty much dictated that poor people would have infinite downward and lateral mobility, but none of that pesky “upward mobility” because... ‘MERICA!
So after Jesus left us (1988) we got the first president George Bush. He did some stuff, but wasn’t nearly as good at presidenting, as nuJesus was, so America, accidentally elected a dumb hick from Arkansas to be president.
This dumb hick (President Clinton) largely reversed the policies of nuJesus, and America was at risk of falling prey to a minority uprising (and by uprising, I mean them being fully equal and in no way disenfranchised [the very antithesis of our foundation]) so to overcorrect this, we elected (twice) George Bush’s autistic son.
George Jr. was largely seen as a return to the mediocrity established by his father, he even got us into two wars with muslim nations because... FREEDOM!
So the rich people (patriots) got richer under Jr, and the poor people kept getting poorer/dying in a flood. Poor people being the reactionaries they are, accidentally elected a black muslim (DOUBLE TERRORIST?!) thinking that his double terrorist status canceled out and meant he wasn’t a terrorist. OOOOPS!
Not to worry, Mitt Romney, who has the luxury of not even remembering either president Bush, has come to save America, and return us to our roots, the same roots that made it hard for blacks to vote, where gay sex and abortion were the same thing, and where you could justify any fringe conspiracy theory by the selective reading of the bible! Because you know... FREEDOM
Anyways, the choice this November couldn’t be more clear, vote for the the guy who belives in the bible above all, whose religion was founded by a glorified snake oil salesman, and has an elevator in one of his houses for cars. Or the negro terrorist. Godspeed fellow Americans! Also... FREEDOM!
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